Is it just me?

Do you sometimes feel that you have gone "too soft"? Or that maybe you always were "too soft"? I guess I am asking the same question of myself over these past few days...

It almost feels like everyone around me does not seem to care how their words or actions affect people around them. It seems like I am the only one who not only cares but worse - over cares about how others might feel if I say something or do a certain thing a certain way. To the extent that I go out of my way to avoid conflicts or any hurt feelings even if that means I end up feeling discontented, hurt or just empty. I guess for me it is more important that my friends or co-workers or loved ones do not feel hurt - even if I feel hurt in my heart because of it. Am I making any sense? I don't know if this is a unique feeling in me and no one else can relate to it...

Like on Friday, what I thought was a seemingly simple task turned out to be a hot discussion which obviously left me hurt and drained! I mean all I had to do was talk to a co-worker and explain what my users needed and see when it can get done. But that co-worker just did not want to have an amicable or professional discussion! He just started yelling and shouting about how this absolutely cannot be done and that if I want to get things done, I need to include him in such meetings in the first place...blah blah blah...But my question is - for what? For adding one simple stupid field in a goddamn datawarehouse! If I could take him to every goddamn meeting I attended, I would just tie him to my chair and walk around with him all day. But he like me has a thousand other things going on and a thousand other projects we need to deliver to. If he does not want to work and just wants to push back, even that can be achieved by a non-emotional discussion in a much calmer tone. He just pounced on me like I was out to kill him! And what was the worst thing I did? I let him run me over. I let him rant on and on and tried to focus back on the topic of discussion to get some productivity out of that discussion. Instead, what I should have done was - to tell him to keep his voice down and not attack me as a person. And to focus on the task at hand and make the right decision! But no - I am just way too fricking soft. That is my problem. I cannot be nasty to a person who is being ruthless to me! How stupid is that? I am a project manager dammit and I cannot bully someone who is obviously bullying me with a loud voice?

So I come home looking for comfort and what do I get? A deja-vu with my hubby. He is having a busy day and I guess wanted me to leave him alone. But since I was looking for some comfort, I go home and try to talk with him but he ignores me and snaps back, making me feel even worse. I don't blame him here because he had no idea what was going on in my head and poor him, he has been going through a lot of stress himself. But what I struggle with the most is the thought that if I were him or if I were that co-worker and I wanted to bring a point across, there would be a thousand other ways in which I could convey the same message amicably and without hurting anyone's feelings. Why don't they think like this? Why don't others use a friendlier tone to talk and deliver their thoughts or messages? We spent some time with friends over the weekend and even there I realized that they don't hold back on their thoughts even if it hurts others. But I do! And why oh why do I kill myself feeling guilty if I don't invite others or include others in my plans when they don't even think about such things?

When it comes to loved ones, do we just take each other for granted so soon that we lose respect for them or their feelings? Or is it just me who is stressing about this for nothing?

November 6, 2003

Its amazing how one learns from such simple things in life. How every day teaches you something new.

Just a simple act like watching TV lit up my day today. I was watching the show Scrubs and in the end when they showed the power of love between 2 brothers, it was so touching. Someone has so truely said - Love gives you the strength you never knew you had. For love, you would do anything...

These words just struck a chord in me somewhere. They are just...oh so true!!

October 30, 2003 - A bad day at work 3 years ago...

I just had a bad day at work which must be so familiar for the millions of people out there who go to work every morning and as soon as they get there, they wanna go back home that very minute!

But does it ever happen to you that when things just do not go your way, you start questioning the very basics of life? Like today, I began asking myself - Why do we work? Why do we show a plastic smile most times? Why do we live in our offices more than in our living room of our cozy homes? Why oh why do we get up and leave the people we love?

Again - why do we really work? Let's face it, we do it to pay the mortgage and the college tuition and the cable bill and the credit card bills. We do it because if we didn't do it then our lives wouldn't work. But we don't just go to work for a paycheck either. Don't we go to seek progress? To innovate? To accomplish and feel accomplished? Shouldn't we enjoy our work rather than do it because we want to feed ourselves and our families? After all, it's not just about ending up where you want to be when you are 59, but it's also about making the most of the trip there. Is work really the end or is it a means to an end? We don't live to work, but we actually work to live. Right?

Then why on earth do we let ourselves get so upset over our work? We are all young just once and if we slog our days and nights through our youth in a race to get there, then haven't we lost the most beautiful times of our lives? What is it that we want to achieve in the end? Is running the race fastest the best experience ever? Or is it about the whole journey, about taking time to enjoy life's pleasures and the beauty it has to offer? Isn't it ironic how when we are out of work, we ache to get a job - just any job. And when we have a handsomely paid job, we crave for the days where we could sit back at home and have a peaceful cup of morning coffee not worrying about getting ready to go to work. It's like we can never make up our minds about which side of the grass is greener.

You know what? Do we really need to waste the golden years of our youth running around stressing about work, to realize in the end that it was not worth it after all. Coz in the end, we have just one life. And one day, we will all die. So I really would love to live it to the fullest and know that I gave it my best and I would give anything to live it all over again...

- Divya